Editors Note: This has been in work for over eight weeks, much thought and research went into this, hince the length. This meant as a recap to one of the Big Three Breakups in my past. (The three, in no particular order, with code names given: The Blonde, Panama and Her).
There is someone out there who will fundamentally change the way you live, the person who opens your eyes and you see the world for how it is. That person for me is nicknamed Panama, more of an inside joke and reference to a song by Michael Franks.
Panama was and is a tortured artist, she’s bound by the same rules and regulations as I. A wild bird meant to fly amongst the stars, and not to be caged. I thought I couldn’t really get over her and. Everything we shared was raw and emotional, and put right out there. I wouldn’t have to say anything and she would know what I meant. We shared similar tastes in everything, music, food, poetry and crossword puzzles. At first it was fundamentally weird, we met off MySpace and we spent the first three days of our relationship just talking and we immediately knew we clicked. And the relationship itself was very, very intense.
I’d tell her my fears, and she would help me get over them or at least get me on the right track to get over them. I felt safe, and I felt secure. We would go out for dinner, share some wine, laugh and have a good time. There was this feeling of this completeness, like I was beginning to feel apart of something more than me. It was more than me, it was an ‘us’. We always had this back and forth understanding when we talked, even when we didn’t.
We talked of retirement, being beach bums and opening a bar. I was excited, I always wanted to share my dreams with someone who wasn’t afraid of being apart of them. Growing old together, on a beach and operating a small tourists bar with little snack foods. And our house would be near so we could walk to work over the beach. We were even looking at beach house plans, but then again a bamboo hut would’ve sufficed with the way we were talking.
It was a magical time.
But, something was happening. My gut instincts were kicking in and something didn’t feel as right as it should. She grew a little distant and I could tell something was wrong. I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to believe it. But, it ended the same way it began, over a MySpace message.
I didn’t act the normal way I would react, I grew angry for about half an hour but… But I grew more confused. In a relationship where we could tell each other anything in the world, and we did, voicing our wants, needs, and fantasies, she couldn’t tell me there was something (one) else. I grew angry at the fact that we had something so raw and so real, that should choose the other. I was lost and I was really confused.
But, we kept talking, off and on. I kept my feelings to myself, only letting out loose references here and there. We still went out shopping, shared dinners and good times and it all felt like it used too. I even took her to my squadrons holiday party one year with great controversy. But I didn’t care what anyone thought, I knew what I wanted out of life and I was determined to get it. I talked her into staying at my place that night and we just sat there, looking into each others eyes never really going beyond that. I respect her too much to take advantage of a situation.
Eventually, she told me she was PCS’ing, to Washington. She wanted to see me again before she left, but I know if I went I would’ve said that I wanted her back and made a scene and an ass of myself. So I came up with some lame excuse and didn’t go, and, I’m kicking myself for it. In the back of my mind I’m sure she wanted me there and if I would’ve spilt my guts out to her she would appreciate the honesty, kiss me, and tell me she couldn’t.
She told me she thought we were loves in a former life, star crossed lovers in a former life trying to find one another in the new life. It’s almost something to make a book of. But this hasn’t ended in a happy ending.
We grew close again last year, something told me to voice my emotions and I did. It was raw. I just laid everything out on my sleeve and I thought for a bit that we had a chance. So over the few months we planned, we grew ideas, and we even thought about the “Big M”. Even though we really were not together, it was still very intense. When it went down the tube this past time, the timing wasn’t right for either of us, but I let myself get angry and stay angry. And on the 16th of August I crushed her in response to an email where all she wanted to do was start the healing process,
I hope I never meet you again, in this or any other lifetime.
I just added a rule to my inbox, so if you send me another email it’ll just move it to the trash and reply with what I said above. I told you I didn’t want to talk to you.
Our real couple relationship was only three or four months in length, ended before our July 4th trip to Paris. (I will never, ever go back to Paris too many plans have been conjured up there with my former loves) And with the money I was to use for our hotel and spending, I bought a Xbox360 out of rage. And even though I was mad, I didn’t allow my anger or hate to consume me. I wouldn’t let myself travel that path, I went there with The Blonde and all it led me to was a hell of a lot of bad choices. But, I didn’t let myself get over her. I got over the anger, and the rage, but I never really got over her. And if you ask any one of my friends, for the next year and a half, they would say I pretty much wasted my time.
I did waste my time thinking that things would back to the same. That’s just naive, things will never work the same the second time around. I was also a bigger fool for not letting myself get over her. But, I have to quote her on this,
I do believe that we have a strong karmic connection which transcends the romantic. We were here to teach each other a life lesson.
I’ve emailed her since, apologizng for my actions since the latest ending. Like with everything else in my life right now, I’m not comfortable leaving it at that. I don’t like angry endings. And so, I’ll end it on this.
If you’re out there, and you’re reading this. I’m sorry. I expected too much, and I talked you into something that wasn’t a good idea from the start. All I want to know is if you’re okay and that your happy with yourself.
