2010 has certainly been an interesting year for me to say the least. It has been a taxing but satisfying year, I learned a great many things, fostered new friendships while losing others. While it may not be the end of the year yet, I doubt much will happen over the next week and a half to make me revise my statements.
Bluing Up
Professionally, I started off the year being a fresh graduate from the Airman Leadership School, and instead of being, “blued up”. I found myself a little more jaded than usual after learning how the Air Force is supposed to run and what they preach there at ALS is a bit different than the actual operation.
I also found out that I was going to supervise two troops. Supervising someone on the outside is a very much different experience than it is in the Air Force. But I can see why they would take a different stance; they spend thousands of dollars grooming these kids (thousands of your dollars mind you), so they want a good ROI. Sometimes you get a good deal, other times you get the raw end of a stick. Which is a normal thing I guess, you learn quickly your strings and weaknesses and follow suit.
I learned quickly that this wasn’t going to be a cakewalk like it was for others. And by no fault of my own, my name became quite well known by the upper echelon of our squadron. At first it was a bit much, but i soon realized they were trying to help me out in really the only way they knew how. Some advice I took and applied, while other times I took their advice with a grain of salt.
There were bumps, trying to mentor someone to overcome a few hard spots is one of the hardest and most taxing things to do, but once they get above that hurdle, you get this profound sense of satisfaction.
Exercises
For Ramstein, 2010 marked the first time in so many years that we would have a base wide exercise. Many of us had served in Korea, where such exercises are commonplace and that such Operational Readiness Exercises ran smoothly and very little confusion was had. So you can imagine the seamless actions that took place, the first half would go off without a hitch. Sorties would be gen’ed up, planes would take off, and airpower was accomplished.
The second half, where you would pretend you were forward deployed and don your favorite chemical protection gear, would be a trying experience. The old gear was cumbersome, the mask would hard to breathe out of, and if you fell asleep you’d become easy prey. “Why,” you would say, “would that be a bad thing?”
You had one canister to filter out contaminants, so if your fellow maintainers wanted to have some fun and had a roll of tape handy. All they would have to do is take a piece of tape and put it over the one hole on the one canister. A rather rude awakening if you ask me, amusing to everyone else, but rude to you.
Halfway through the year, we have already had two exercises tests. The bulk of us had that ratty old chem gear, and we had gotten used to donning it rather quickly and pretty much had everything figured out for the big game. Well. Someone above had the idea that if we turned in our old gear and got the new stuff, not only would we all look, “uniform”. But we wouldn’t have to worry about serviceability issues with the old gear. This in all actuality is a good idea, with the old gear, people couldn’t or wouldn’t wear it correctly or had modified them to provide extra cooling or the top and bottom halves wouldn’t clasp together no matter how hard you tried. However, when you have an entire base trying to turn old gear and get the new gear you will run out of the new stuff.
You can always spot those people; they’d be walking along in the suit, mask and helmet, but no boots or gloves. Or they would have the helmet, mask, gloves and boots, but no suit. In wintertime, we would poke fun at those who had no suit, and in the summer time we would be jealous of the very same people. I would occasionally join in on the humor side of things, but I knew karma would strike me so I played it carefully. And the one time it did, was in the cold of winter.
The 2009/2010 winters in Germany was a cold one, ice and snow were prevalent from November all the way into mid March. Others and myself had our spot picked out, and it was a rather good one, as we hid pretty much in plain sight. We never missed any of the condition changes and we all made sure we were in the right gear at the right time. It was so good to be true, I knew it wouldn’t last.
One particular night it came to a head.
It was icing pretty good and we had all available de-icing trucks out keeping our aircraft ready incase we had to launch a simulated line. But, the one thing with the glycol used to de-ice the aircraft, it absolutely cannot get on any of the propellers or in the engines themselves for it would wreak havoc on all the electronics. Someone, somewhere high up in the echelon got the great idea of using portable heater carts to de-ice the propellers and use brooms to wipe off the melting ice.
I think all told, there was eight or ten of us on shift. We split up in pars and each took an aircraft. It was a beautiful disaster. We were out there in our chemical gear, trying to stay warm, waiting for the people to deliver our heater carts. After waiting an hour, they finally arrived, and as I was trying to unhook one I mistakenly dropped the hitch and it fell on my foot right where the steel tipped part ended on the top of my foot. I yelped, and my buddy just started laughing. I think in my hopping fit, I also fell, but I don’t exactly remember. A shock like that to a cold foot hurts. A lot. So trying to hold lines from the heater cart on propeller blades while wiping off the melting ice and snow with a hurt foot sucks, especially when you’re freezing your butt off. I think after one hour and getting one plane done, my buddy and I decided to just chill in the back of the aircraft and wait for the shift to end. Oh, another lesson was learned as well. Don’t leave your helmet in the way of one of the heater lines from the heater cart. It’ll melt everything off your helmet. The things you learn, am I right?
We all had fun though with the exercises, we had too. Between all the prep work, classes and sandbag filling we did, we had to find fun. Where I was stationed on base was nice, I wasn’t in the main hanger and was in a little building in between the ramps and the runways. So if the leadership wanted to come out to us, we would hear it over the radio so we could always clean up and be all-proper once they arrived.
I was one of two people in charge of morale for our shift in our little slice of heaven. I would load my laptop and iPad full of TV shows and movies and we would sit there for 12 hours and watch the media in between getting mock attacked. And sometimes, even while we would get attacked we would continue the TV marathons. We even worked out a secret knock if they would try and sneak their way out there to our little slice of heaven.
We all knew it was wrong, but you can only read the rules of engagement so many times before you start to fall asleep, or be bored, or go crazy. We would quiz each other in between shows to stay sharp and when changes came down we made sure everyone knew and understand it all. In so many ways, we told the leadership to, “Suck it, we got this.”
When the big game came down, we did our jobs flawlessly. We did our sweeps; we called in every bit of suspicious behavior. Not one of us got dummy killed, not one of us fell out, we got the job done all the while having fun and passing the time. While others didn’t have much success as we did, we still managed a passing score and we put the exercises behind us for another few years.
Game on.
Loses
2010 was also a year of losses for me. When I sat down and started to think about it, this was the year that I noticed I lost more than I gained. Personally and professionally. I knew this would be taxing on me, but I didn’t know how much it would get to me. We all gain friends, and lose friends; it’s a fact of life. People who near and dear to you, things either fall out between them for various reasons or they die. Losing friends and loved ones has always been hard on me, fear of being alone I guess. I had two losses this year that got me, one hit me hard quite a bit, the other took me by surprise.
My Uncle Norman was and will forever be a great man. We had grown close ever since I moved to Europe. We would share our experiences in Europe, his during World War Two, and mine during the War on Terror. The year’s change, but the heart of everything doesn’t. We would wax philosophical in our emails to each other, and we both enjoyed what the other had to say. It’s hard to find someone that you can enjoy conversing with.
I knew his days were numbered, he had the advanced stages of cancer and he was in and out of the hospital. In the back of my mind, I was feeling a little guilty. The last time I was stateside, we had arranged that he would drive down from Omaha and we would sit by, eat a delicious roast and just share stories. But I was horrible with how I managed my time when I was in Kansas. We didn’t nearly spend enough time as we wanted with each other, we shared a few conversations and only one meal. It still eats at me.
I sent him a print of mine, and I was hoping it would get there in time. It arrived the day after he died. It was the first time I cried since Christmas Eve of 2008.
I lost a good friend in Norman and needless to say it hurt me a lot. I always thought it was a bit clichéd when someone would say they felt a void in their life after someone left. But, there is a Norman-sized void in my life now. Norman talked me into continuing my passion for writing; he was one of the few that talked me into looking into photography schools. I know I have people that believe in me, and I thank them every day. But, it’s weird when you can feel when some one believes in you. It’s rare, and I get it from a few friends, and Norman is one of them.
When we have been hurt, we tend to lock ourselves away. We hide from the world and go into this self-preservation program. The brave ones still go out there, even while still hurting, because, life has no pause button. We must continue on, you will be okay eventually. I still hurt; my writing has suffered since his passing. My short story collection hasn’t had any additions in two months, and nothing worth a damn added in three. I miss my editor, my collaborator, and my friend Norman.
High School Still
In the eyes of loss, I have also made some gains. Rekindling old friendships with some old high school mates. It’s hard to imagine that it’s been eight and a half whole years since I graduated from Shawnee Mission North High School. But in that time I have pretty much kept up with my core group of friends, and in the past four years or so made more friends from that bygone era. It brings a smile to my face though. Some of those people I have known for over ten years and they are still apart of my life. You can be half a world away, and yet still experience new memories while sharing the old.
Life is good.
Tangible Media
I tried to do an experiment this year. After I acquired my iPad in April, I wondered how hard it would’ve been to lead a completely digital life. As in, acquiring no “old world media” or physical media for you common folk. Which means no newspapers, magazines, dvds, books, and video games. If this sounds familiar, Andy Ihnakto tried very same experiment last year and he did it. It was a bit harder for him, with his love of comic books and the like, the digital medium for that hasn’t really evolved with everything else.
I made it four months, and even then I only bought four physical media items. I do purchase the bulk of what I want digitally, so while I haven’t had the greatest of success with it. I have discovered that it could be easier to live a digital lifestyle, all the while reducing the amount of trash I generate. Of course it’s going to have to evolve over the next five or so years before I can recommend it for everyone else. Higher density hard drives, faster internet connections and more network friendly entertainment equipment needs to be more readily available for this to really take off.
Vacationing
This was also the first year, since I got to Europe that I did not travel back to the states for my annual sabbatical. At the time, I was debating if I should even take a vacation since I would be coming back stateside in mid-December. Even a two-week vacation sounded pretty good, you need time off to recharge your batteries. You need to time to relax, renew your priorities, and remember what’s important to you. More often than not, through out our journeys through the years, we generate so many agendas that we lose focus on some of the simplest of things. The simple things that we all want and really, need to survive.
I told myself I wouldn’t talk about it, out of respect of the other person. But, if you’re smarter than a jar of mayonnaise, you could see the bulk of this as a thinly veiled way for me to talk about it all. But I more or less lost what I thought was a good friend of mine this year, partly due to my own carelessness. Getting caught up in my own agenda, not practicing what I preach, going against my own values.
Why?
Because I let myself do something, go where, I didn’t want to go or necessarily ready. Now I spend part of my free time beating myself up over it. I ask myself why, how, and where it all went wrong. People tell me I’m crazy for letting stuff like this get to me, that I should just brush it off since it just wasn’t a failure on my part, but on both parties. I joke, I jest, try to make light of it all. But underneath it all, I don’t let myself forget. I don’t let myself forget that I will end up repeating history with someone I know, I care about, and most of all, I love. This is why we need vacations; this is why we need to take time for ourselves.
Renew.
Recharge.
Remember.
Photography
One of the biggest stages this year was that I realized how much photography means to me, how much bliss I get in me from behind that lens. Even in settling up the simplest scene to shoot on my desk, I get this geeky little smile. It amazes me how so many people really don’t pursue their passions. Why would you deny yourself of such pleasure? I keep asking that question to others and myself. I have made some concessions in the past few months to advance my skills, some I wouldn’t normally do. But in the end, it’s made me happier, and for my next goal I’ll have to make a few more.
It feels trite, clichéd, and heavily over said when I say this, but I want to show people what I see and how I see it. For most of the pictures this year, I feel like I have achieved that with moderate success. Not only do I feel pleased with the photos, but I feel when I show them off, that it is the best work I could’ve done with what I had available.
I made the leap and started development work on my photography website, and integrating that with my blog and Facebook page. Even in acquiring new equipment for me opening a studio, progression is uplifting. I still have much to do and more equipment to buy thanks to some setbacks.
Achieving my basic sense of photographic style was one, and took some work. Playing around with lights, lenses, editing techniques, but I believe I found the core of my language. It may not appear to be wholly original, as it is heavily influenced from some of the finest people I have ever had the pleasure to talk too. I know after some time, that my sense of photographic style will become more bespoke of myself.
While I do love shooting my own work, I do plan on making some money with this. There’s a bit of a challenge when taking on a client for a photography job, you have to try and capture someone else’s vision. A task that I have not particularly been good at. It’s almost akin to be a ghostwriter, the writer behind the writer. You get hired because you seem more likely out of the batch to relay the message the client wants but has failed before to get it. Lack of talent, equipment, clarity of message, something.
I know what I want, and I know how I want to convey it. But, if you, the reader, were to hire me for a job. It could turn into a bit of a faff rather quick if I didn’t bombard you with questions, or concept drawings or the like. I take a bit of pride on what I do, and if I don’t deliver on my promise it would feel like a break of not only the contract, but the trust of the client.
Is it a bit silly to think like that? I don’t think so, if you’re going to hire someone, you want him or her to deliver the goods and hit it out of the park. And to be honest, I want to be that guy that can deliver the goods and just blow away their expectations. Anyone can take a staged picture, edit it to hell and back and make it look good. But with out that little bit of soul, that little bit of love, it just can’t and won’t blow people away.
That is what I want to deliver, with my own little twist. Make it uniquely mine, so when it’s hanging up in a gallery or on a two-page spread in a magazine and I can say with pride, “That’s mine.”
2011 brings more changes, certain unknowns and more adventures. I’ll be moving back to the states in the summer after over five years in Europe. I’ll be purchasing even more photography equipment, try and open up a part time studio, even try harder to get published more. So I sit here and wonder what I will gain, where I will go, what will I lose and what will change.
